


Vermilion Ink

by UNICORNZWAG



Series: Definitions [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Fake AH Crew, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Poetry, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Switch in Point of View, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 21:29:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6627211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNICORNZWAG/pseuds/UNICORNZWAG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray tries to find his definition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vermilion Ink

**Author's Note:**

> Check tags for trigger warnings. I'm trying something a little different here. This might not make sense before I do a bit more in the series. It can kind of stand alone. Starts with third person but switches to a first person account from Ray.

 

Ray tries. He tries so hard to define what he feels. Define what he does. Define why he does it. Here is his definition.

 

* * *

 

It's not some romanticized thing.

It’s not a partner cuddling you close telling you that everything will be alright.

It’s not a cry for help (if it were maybe you would make it a little more visible).

It’s not a statistic.

It’s not a stereotype.

It’s not trying to be some cool emo kid.

It's not cool.

It’s a silent scream.

It's a yell when you have to be quiet.

It's the feeling when your gut drops out and you can’t make your head stop spinning or the terrible twisting of your stomach stop.

It’s a desperate chilling swift red angel that comes to stop the turmoil but only creates more in its wake.

It’s a demon that you just can’t shake. But your hands shake, boy do they shake.

It’s the one silent moment of pondering before the blade breaks the skin, when it just rests there for a minute.

It's the eye of the storm.

It's the one soft moment between the chaos of your thoughts and the aftermath, a deluge of crimson.

It's when your mind needs focus, to find one thing to distract it.

It's one drop of beautiful, tragic, sick, pure focus before the world spins again, before your mind is pounded with regret and upset and disappointment.

It's when you have seven thousand things to be doing, but you sit with lines of vermilion ink decorating your hips.

It's the moment when you finally need to move.

It's your struggle not to stain the broken world with your even more broken blood.

It's when you wish for it to be something else, anything else, a drug or hobby or drink, but you know you can’t have those things.

It's knowing that there is still a future even if you don’t want it.

It's when you know that there are people counting on you, that you need to be strong and hide the beast.

It's something you use to find your focus, but then you must leave it behind.

It's constantly on your mind.

It's something you hate, but can’t help but love because you need it.

It's wondering if the pain you crave is hurting anyone else.

It's the knowledge that people care but not enough to notice.

It's a hazy night in which stress clouds your soul and you can only see six inches through the fog. 

It's deep breaths, but never tears.

It’s that moment when you get up off the floor with the blade hidden in your sleeve and put it away.

It's the moment when you know you hid it successfully.

It’s the words on the tip of your tongue before you choke them back because they don’t need to know.

It's the fact that they don’t want to know.

It's recognizing that nobody wants a sick kid, friend, sibling, lover. Nobody wants one who is just _pretending_.

...

As they say, " _ignorance is bliss._ "

-Anonymous

Sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this is confusing. It was kind of meant to be. I'd love feedback or comments or whatever. Thanks for reading!


End file.
